Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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