All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
