In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
