FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
