WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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