I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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