he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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