I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
