I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
