God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
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