sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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