Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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