I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
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