i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
