Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
