You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Randomize
