She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I take back everything I said about communal showers
She told me I should be a condom model.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
