Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
