Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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