Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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