Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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