you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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