saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
