nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Yo dont text me then not text me
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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