Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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