no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
