My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
