Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
