You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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