I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize