I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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