U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
