I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize