apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
