Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
