chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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