this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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