dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
