Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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