i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
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