Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
