girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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