In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
