my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
