My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
