probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
