I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
