He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
