You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
We got so high we made milksteak
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
