Only a mothe r could love this liver
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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